BRADASSNEWS.COM

Yearning for the Curling

Brad Ass — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:02:00 GMT

I have fallen in love with this sport. As of right now, my sports list goes like this...

1. Football
2. Soccer
3. Curling
4. everything else jumbled in a haze
5. Boring ass baseball

FYI, this list goes by sports I currently find the most entertaining to watch. I just got really into the English Premier League, and obviously Curling just bleeped onto my radar. This list is not how much I know about each sport, so don't try and start to talk to me about certain soccer players in Europe and what not.

Let's count the ways in which Curling is Brad Ass...

1. Boobies

Yes, let's go ahead and count this as number one.

I give you the Russians CLICK HERE

... And the topless Dane (NSFW) CLICK HERE

The female announcer yesterday joked with Wayne Gretzky that maybe, Naked Curling, would be a good idea. I am starting to think that all the women involved in this sport are horny as hell.

It's also fun to hear the ladies yell at each to broom, "HARD! HARDER!!!"

2. Terminology

"They have the hammer, shot rock, two of their stones are on the button, and they have a total of 5 rocks in the house!"

If that sentence didn't both, confuse the shit out of you, and also make you love this sport then you are dead inside.

Based on these terms, my father and I have been text messaging each other back and forth with slogan ideas for curling shirts. Here is what we got so far...

- Rock the House
- Be the Stone
- Get Stoned
- Sweep Bitch
- Real Men have Brooms
- Rock My Button (for the ladies)

It also has given me a term to label someone the best, "You're Shot Rock." Shot Rock is the stone closest to the center of the target. So, if someone were to surprise me with McDonald's breakfast, I would obviously say, "Thanks bro, you're shot rock." And they would look at me and say, "You're a douche, and you owe me $4.50."

For a list of all the fun terms, such as Wicky Wacky Woo CLICK HERE

3. Human Zamboni

They don't show the Ice Maker on TV, which is a mistake, because it is a good time. I was looking for a video online but couldn't find it. Basically it's a guy wearing a water back-pack who shuffles backwards on the ice as he holds out a hose in front of him. The hose is connected to the back-pack and he quickly flicks it back and forth to spread the water evenly across the ice. It's one of the goofiest things you have ever seen, and I guess when it happens in Canada, the crowd loses their shit.

I saw this on HBO Real Sports, earlier this month. If you happen to have a fancy TV set-up with one of those on demand thingys you should check it out.

4. Drinking Sport

This is definitely one of those sports that it appears you, not only have to drink while playing, but you get better the drunker you get. It being an Olympic Sport gives all of us hope that one day we could be playing, Beer Pong, Horse Shoes, Ladder Golf (we just call it BALLZ!) or even Flip Cup in the Olympics someday.

Old college drinking buddies / future Olympians?

Video: Dolph Lundgren A Little Less Conversation

Brad Ass — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 19:50:00 GMT

Simply amazing

Video: Ivan Drago vs. Apollo Creed 2

Brad Ass — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 19:49:00 GMT

Yup, more Dolph Lundgren

Thanks to the Adam Carrola podcast for bringing this to my attention.

Video: Yup... You're on TV

Brad Ass — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 19:37:00 GMT

At the 1:33 mark the guy realizes, "ahhh fuck, I'm on TV," and gives a great head whip.

Pic: Snowboarder Medal-ing

Brad Ass — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 19:26:00 GMT

Scotty Lago, winner of the Bronze Medal for Half Pipe, was asked to leave Vancouver for trying to feed this Asian lady.

Honestly, who wouldn't use an Olympic Medal to pick up chicks? It's the equivalent of wearing a necklace that has a puppy, and a baby hanging from it. Hanging from it in a good, cute way. Not hanging from the necklace in a bad, dead way. Girls are not attracted to men that wear dead hanging babies and puppies around their necks, or so I'm told.

Pic: Best Photo of Ancestor

Brad Ass — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 19:16:00 GMT

NSFW

CLICK HERE

Gift: Semen Cook Book

Brad Ass — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 19:08:00 GMT

Pretty disappointed that all the recipes don't start like this...

Step 1. Masturbate.

CLICK HERE

(yes I found this because I watch Tosh.0)

Whack Ass Weekend 2-10-10

Brad Ass — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 03:46:00 GMT

I feel like I haven't written for awhile. I would go back and check to see when my last entry was, but I am too lazy, and when it comes to most things in life, I simply don't give a shit. I like to start most entries by giving my readers a, "uhhh" feeling, and I feel like I have accomplished this.

Moving on...

Poser of the Week

Me.

Last week I bought a hat. Those of you who know me, know that I am very particular about said hats, so this was pretty monumental.

I'm currently sitting at my Whack Ass Weekend Coffee bar and not even 15 minutes ago the barristta looked up at my hat and asked, "have you seen that movie." I had not. Further more, it is a surfer movie and I don't surf. This lead to him giving me a look that said, "what a poser," and me returning with a look that simply said, "I know, I am sorry."

I may give him the hat when I leave.

Picture of the Week

CLICK HERE

We Can't Be Friends of the Week

Over my lifetime I have found that there are some certain things that people do, they don't necessarily annoy me, but if they do them, I know that we're not going to be compatible as friends. These things just say something about their personality. Something I don't care for.

Here is a list of some of those things...

1. Saving receipts

2. Sending food back (unless it isn't what you ordered.)

C. Referring to your pets as "your children"

#. Screaming out loud "I love this song."

%. Driving a truck that has a vanity license plate, which explains how much you love your truck.

6. Watching Fox News

+. Whining about how you have to quit some sort of addiction, but the addiction is really weak and not life threatening; caffeine, red meat, watching too much TV, masturbation, etc...

&. Shaving all their body hair

8. Having an order at Starbucks that takes longer than 2 seconds to communicate.

9. Making lists about how you know you won't be friends with people because they do certain things.

Videos of the Week

"Lay back and think of England," has now been added to my phrase bank.

and this just cracks me up...

DONE... Yes it was short but I have some long entries that I am halfway through and those will be up soon.

Best Joke Combination Gift Ever

Brad Ass — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 04:28:00 GMT

The best joke combo gift giving gift presents are this...

Plus this...

Whack Ass Weekend 2-1-10

Brad Ass — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 03:18:00 GMT

Tweets of the Week

robhuebel I'm sitting in such a way that if I were an old-timey pioneer lady in a dress, you could see my enormous old-timey pioneer bush right now

michaelianblack I think the iPad might end up being the Jar Jar Binks of Apple.

Jesus_M_Christ I've never been a fan of pornography. It's like having a cookbook and no food.

indecisiviously: I'm so excited!!! Just another inch and my pubes will totally cover all the sores!!

bradassnews The best way to make sure you never share a password with someone is to make your passwords super racist

robcorddry The formula for every Daily Show piece in less than two minutes: http://bit.ly/apV5iy

sucittaM They say the gender of a baby can be determined by the sexual position used: which means we are having a dog, a cowgirl, or a hot carl

bradassnews Simpsons episodes centered around Lisa should be centered in my asshole, because they are shit

Link of the Week

CLICK HERE

(make sure to play the music while you are looking at those pictures)

Picture of the Week

"It's not me saying these anti-semitic things, it's Mr. Beaverton."

Video of the Week

Remix of the Week

Phoenix - Lisztomania (Classixx Mix)

IM DONE, SHORT ONE, WHO CARES

Whack Ass Weekend 1-24-10

Brad Ass — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 20:41:00 GMT

Video of the Week

I am not sure why, but I really enjoy this video. It's kinda funny, and very hypnotic. After you watch this anytime that you get in an argument with your girlfriend or wife you will now yell at her, "Shut up woman and get on my horse!" YES YOU WILL! YOU WILL DO IT!

Picture of the Week

News Article of the Week

All I have to say is... "The liberal media tried to trick us by coloring the devils blue instead of red and giving them pointy ears instead of horns, but we've caught on! Praise Jesus!"

CLICK HERE

Thanks to @mantix_one for tweeting this to me.

Asshole of the Week

Once again, I win this award. Pretty soon we will have to name this award after me. Ha, I'm fucking with you, I have never had this award before, but you know that cause you visit my website every day. Right?

Anywhat, I am the Asshole of the Week because of this conversation.

Mom: What you think about the Haiti situation?

Me: I just can't get into it.

Yup, that's what I said. I acted as if it was some new album release, or something similar. I am such a dick, but maybe it's cause we have too many crazy disasters these days. They are coming one after another, after another. They're all just meshing together. God, needs to go ahead and space em out a little bit. Give us time to digest one disaster, morn, and then when we get bored, go ahead and cause a volcano eruption. I guess God is just a believer in, striking while the iron is hot, but it's only 10 years into the new millennium and I fear that he may have already blown his load.

Pretty sure another reason why I couldn't get into the Haiti Quake was that none of the footage was in HD. Come on third world countries, if you want me to give a damn and watch how bad you have it, please let me watch it in the highest quality possible. Geeesh! Shit, if you make it 3D, I might even donate.

Video of the Week Again

Cracked up at his facial expressions during the countdown.

Poo of the Week

My friend texted me this right after he deficated, "Just made a poo island." Meaning that he pooped so much that the poop came up out of the toilet water, creating an island of shit. This lead to a diarrhea of text messages back and forth naming the poo island.

Here are the best...

Poowaii

Pooahu

Puba

Poo

Pootalina

Poostralia

and my favorite, Poopan!

Website of the Week

You ever want to mix two youtube videos? Now you can. Copy and paste your favorite videos into the text boxes and then use the fader in the middle to go back and forth from the two.

CLICK HERE

DONE time to go make my own Poopan

Video: Number 1 Fan

Brad Ass — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 04:27:06 GMT

This is probably my most loyal reader, not counting my dad. He asked for me to post this video of him drinking beer out of a shoe, and who am I to say no.

Ladies and Gentleman, I give you, Rory Witt.

Video: 5 Things H1N1 Rap

Brad Ass — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 04:18:00 GMT

I can just see the middle-aged, out-of-touch white guy in government, just thinking to himself, "Kids will think this is so groovy."

The Avatar Debate: Sex, Masturbation, Rape, Gay

Brad Ass — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 03:53:00 GMT

Alright, so I saw Avatar and it was exactly what I was expecting, visually mind-blowing, predictable plot, and a little too long, but this is not a review of the movie. This entry is about an interesting debate that no movie has brought up until now.

Without further delay, here is the question that spawns the great debate.

If you had an avatar, and while you where inside your avatar you came back to your real body, and did sexual things to it, would it be sex, masturbation, rape, or gay?

I have posed this question to all of my friends, and after they stop looking at me as if they were staring at the video of the silicon penis, they realize how tough of a question it is. It could be sex, masturbation, rape or gay, and it also could be none of them.

Let's go over each one by one.

1. Sex

Yes: It could be considered sex because you are performing the action on another entity. Even though the entity is actuality you, you are outside of yourself. You are not connected to the entity in which you are having the sex with.

No: You're having sex with yourself. The other entity does not have to consent to you, so it's not really sex. Both of these reasons support masturbation and rape.

2. Masturbation

Yes: You're performing the sexual action on yourself, thus it's masturbation. You're pleasing yourself.

No: You are able to go far beyond what any of us have ever considered masturbation. You are not restricted by the limitations of your body, because you are outside of your body. You are not actually pleasing your real self, because you are not actually inside of your real body thus you can't feel it in your real body. Your real body is just lifeless and numb.

You are pleasing your avatar, and taking advantage of this passed out version of you. This supports the rape case.

3. Rape

Yes: You're performing sexual acts on a being in which is totally lifeless, that has not given permission to you to sexual please it. You're basically a frat guy that slipped a chick a date rape drug.

No: It's your own body, so you don't have to give permission to yourself to take advantage of yourself.

4. Gay

Yes: You're a guy or a girl, and you're having sex with yourself, and you're the same sex as yourself.

No: If this means you're gay, then wouldn't that mean that all masturbation is gay, because it's just another form of pleasing yourself? In all my conversations, this became a whole other debate in itself.

Basically it would always come down to what you were doing to your real body.

A guy would say it was gay because you were sucking dick and girl would say it was gay because you were licking pussy. The retort to that would be, that it's basically your own dick or own pussy so it's actually masturbation. Then they would come back with, well you can't really give yourself oral in real life. Then someone would ask, "That means, your saying that your flexibility is what makes the difference between gay or masturbation," or "That when you really masturbate, you're basically giving yourself a handjob, and that means you don't consider handjobs gay, so you're ok with giving other guys handjobs and not considering it gay?" Then this leads to the whole, "In real life if you could actually give yourself a blowjob would it be gay?" The vote on that last question usually came out 50-50, which surprised me because we have all tried it before, but none of us consider us gay for doing so.

Wow, all of this was really hard to communicate in written word. I hope you understood half of it.

Conclusion: It could be all and it could be none. It poses a question that no one has an answer for because the option of performing this is not real, thus there is no real term for it. When and if we come to it, we will simply have to come up with a new phrase. Such as Avatarbation, or Avarape or something like that.

Other Conclusion: I may want to have sex with myself, but then again, don't we all.

Next time you find yourself at the bar, or a dinner party, drop this question and see how people respond.

I'm totally going to have sex, masturbate, rape or get gay with you.

DONE

Whack Ass Weekend 1-11-10

Brad Ass — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 04:57:00 GMT

Pic of the Week

For some reason I feel guilty still laughing at these posters, but sometimes there just too good.

Tweets of the Week

DougBenson I went out a few times with a handjob model. I call her that because she was a model and after our dates I'd go home and...

DougBenson give myself a handjob

natashaleggero Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got some doritos from a vending machine.

michaelianblack Anne Frank is a trending topic? Be careful! If we keep talking about her, they might find her hiding place.

bradassnews "How do you like my denim pants?" They're called Jeans you asshole

Embarrassing Story of the Week

In the morning I usually take a beverage into the shower. Why not? It's hot in there, and sometimes I get thirsty. I treat the shower more like a hot-tub, while others treat it as a means to an end, or something, "they have to do," a pain in the ass. I love showers. They're relaxing, and if I want to stay in there for 15 or so minutes, and have a Red Bull to wake up in the morning that's fine. This is not the embarrassing part.

The embarrassing thing is that yesterday I was drinking a Diet Coke in the shower, and I was also stuffed up. Like most people who are congested, I took the opportunity in the shower to blow out some of those boogers. Blowing snot rockets in the shower is a must when you're ill. Everything is warm and loose and just flies out. Anyways, I did this to soon after I took a sip of Diet Coke, the soda came up my nose, and I ended up vomiting up snot and diet coke in the shower for about 5 minutes. It was a great start to a shitty Monday.

Link of the Week

Oh... Snooki

http://cdn.wg.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/snooki.gif

Video of the Week

The LT Style Electric Guide. This is the most agility the guy has shown all year. Hey_OH!

thanks to @jchats for sending this in. If you're on twitter you should follow him. He had a rough week. His Packers got bitched by my Cardinals, his Trojans lost Pete Carrol, and now all of his friends backed-out of going to Medieval Times with him. Poor Jchats.

And by the way, yes you can send me things to post. I will be sure to give you credit and then make fun of you. Send shit to brad@bradassnews.com.

I am Weak of the Week

Currently at the coffee shop again. While I push down the plunger, which dispenses the java, my arm shakes out of control. I think all my muscle has turned into body hair.

Cartoon Thought of the Week

You know the dog in The Jetsons that could talk? He would jump up on George Jetson and yell, "I ruv you Rorge." Did you ever wonder if maybe he didn't actually talk that way because that's how dogs talked, but he really talked that way because he was Asian?

SO DONE

Whack Ass Weekend 1-5-10

Brad Ass — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 02:12:00 GMT

First Entry of the Decade

Who gives a shit?

Tweets of the Week

robhuebel The guy that invents scratch and sniff tattoos will be so rich, he can buy his own blow-job dolphin.

robhuebel Tension at the dentist's office. His hands were in my mouth and I go, "hope you've never masturbated, ever". Got slapped in face.

shitmydadsays "Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss."

michaelianblack My wife is watching Madonna videos with my daughter; I have naked pictures of all three.

bradassnews Rememer those potato chips that would give you "anal leakage?" why didn't they just rembrand them as laxatives? Medicine in chip form!

Drink of the Week

The best shot in the world is, The White Gummy Bear. It looks like a White Gummy Bear, smells like one, and you guessed it, it fucking tastes like one. Not a lot of bartenders know how to make this delicious shot, but if you can find a bar with a well educated mixoligist you have to try one.

White Gummy Bear Shot

1 oz Good Vodka
1/2 Raspberry Schnapps
1/2 Cranberry Juice

(Honestly I am not sure if that is the correct ingredients. It doesn't sound like that would make a white colored shot.)

One night I was already pretty tipsy and demanding a White Gummy Bear. I had to look up online what was in it, so I could communicate to the bartender how to make one. You would think I would know it by heart, since it is my favorite, but fuck you. Anyways, while I was looking it up I discovered that the White Gummy Bear is also a secret/off-the-board smoothie at Jamba Juice.

I haven't been to Jamba in a while, but for blog purposes I grabbed a White Gummy Bear the other day. Basically, it has every flavor of sherbert in their arsenal. It was alright. It would have been better with 5 or 6 shots of Gummy Bear shots. (I said shots a lot.)

(By the way, you should appreciate me doing this for the blog, because not only am I intolerant of religion and gift cards, I am also intolerant of lactose. Yes, I am lactarded, and that smoothie had me playing a lot of Words With Friends on my iPhone, on top of the toilet, at all hours of the night. I was pooping.)

iPhone Ap of the Week

Words With Friends Free

Basically it's just scrabble that you can play on your iPhone, against your friends or strangers around the world. Whenever you have some free time you can just check out the scrabble board and make a move or two. Games with my friends take anywhere from 1 day to two weeks; depending on if they're employed and/or have a life.

Save money and get the free one. The only difference is a couple of advertisements. If you happen to download it and want to play me, my username is... bradassnews.com. Really creative, huh?

It is the perfect game for shitting. I spend all my time on the toilet now trying to destroy my college roommates sister's boyfriend.

Mags Down the Shitter?

I wonder how badly Smart Phones, like the iPhone, have destroyed magazine sales. The toilet use to be the only place I would read a magazine, but now that I have an iPhone I never read them. I have a brand new Maxim on the toilet which I haven't even cracked because of my phone.

Picture of the Week

These guys have the look down perfectly. Even the totally cashed eyes.

DONE DONE DONE

Whack Ass Xmas 09

Brad Ass — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:45:00 GMT

All By Myself... kind of

This was the first year that I wasn't with any family on Christmas. Don't feel bad for me though. We had an extended family jubilation a few days earlier, so it was no big deal. Actually, I could have even done without that family get together. Not because I don't like my family, but because of the drive. I had to drive from San Diego to North East Los Angeles at fucking 5 rush hour PM. It took me 3 and a half hours to get there because of traffic, and once I was there I could only stay for one hour because I had to turn around and go home because of work. So, basically it was a 6 hour road trip with a dinner at halftime.

One good thing was that I got there so late, that I missed singing Christmas Carols, were awful singers. I also missed the telling of the Christmas Story. Not the movie with the kid in the bunny suit, but the real one with the Jesus and shit. Someone had to fill in for me and read the part of Joseph, and nobody can pull of a Joseph like me. I play a great gullible husband that believes his wife is actually having a virgin birth and didn't really just fuck around, and is having the Manger of the Inn's baby.

I could just see Mary and the Manager of the Inn yelling at each other while Joseph wasn't looking.

Manger: "What the fuck are you doing here."

Mary: "It's your child I am about to have"

Manager: "Well of course it is. I am the only one you've had sex with, but you can't bring that shit in here."

Mary: "You are responsible for this."

Manager: "You're the weird bitch that doesn't sleep with her husband, and took out her sexual frustration on the night manager of a Holiday Inn... ohhh hey Joseph, how's it going. I'm so sorry but there is no more rooms available. Yah, there is a big Frankincense Convention in town so, you're probably going to be shit out of luck. Oh... look at that, it's time to go on my break. Later."

Another thing we do charitable givings. Each family member gives some cash or volunteers and then we all tell what we did. I have always just let my sister buy kids presents off the mall Christmas tree thingy, but this year I actually did something. I was unable to tell what I did though, because I was late. The one year I was not going to feel like a total piece of shit and I missed it.

Although, I can't be to pissed because my charitable gift giving was not totally pure of heart. I gave the money to a Boys and Girls Club that I use to volunteer at, mostly because the receptionist is hot and I wanted to get her number.

I got her number and left her a voicemail a few days later, but no call back yet. I thought I would have good karma by donating to a charity, and get a quick return call... and maybe more. But, I guess you don't get good karma for donating money in an attempt to get laid. Wait a second... Did I turn the Boys and Girls Club receptionist into a hooker and the Boys and Girls Club into her pimp? If so, I am going to call up that ho and ask for my money back.

Christmas Eve

While you assholes were dealing with family bullshit, and eating a nice Christmas Dinner, I was dining on this.

leftovers (right out of the tin), a PBR, and a Red Bull Sugar Free so I could stay up and see Santa.

I actually went out to the bars on Christmas Eve. Not by myself, but with an old high school friend. Not because I really wanted to go out, but more because I wanted to see the type of people that go out on Chritmas Eve. It wasn't a surprise. Allow me to stereotype. Jews, Asians, and Military.

It was actually fun. No lines, no covers, quick to get drinks.

Christmas Day

For Christmas Day I decided to start a new tradition and jump in the ocean. Santa was good enough to give me a nice day. I convinced my friend to join me by conjuring up a great drunk argument the night before. "The water only changes by like 3 or 4 degrees all year. Think about it. The ocean is so fucking huge that it is impossible for it really fluxuate."

As soon as he jumped in the water he came to the conclusion that my argument was bullshit.

Taking pictures of ourselves on the beach in the middle of winter, and sending them to people across the country is how us San Diegans give the finger.

Christmas Video

It has nothing to do with Christmas. It's actually pretty fucked up. At least this gives all those pussies afraid of the flu shot something to be really scared of.

Future Christmas Present

The flu shot video made me think of the greatest gift a girlfriend or wife could give me in the future. It would simply just be a card and inside it would say, "If I ever end up walking like a hunchback, and can only can function while walking backwards or running, you may leave me." It would basically be a Get Out of Jail Free card. I would simply turn to her and say, "I got you the samething," and we'd both cry, and then laugh as we rewatch the video of the cheerleader walking around like a raptor.

FINISHED

Fuck You Gift Cards, Fuck You

Brad Ass — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 04:05:00 GMT

I know a lot of people hate gift cards, and most of you have already heard someone rant about them, but I need to vent. Fuck these pieces of plastic bullshit ass crap.

Here is why they can suck Santa's sweaty jingle balls.

As Good as Money?

No, they sure as hell are not. Everyone accepts money, and only the place where you got me the gift card accepts it. You're controlling where I spend my so called, "as good as money" gift.

I know the argument for this are those Visa or Mastercard Gift Cards, that are like credit cards and are accepted almost everywhere. Well, you know why those suck? If you go and buy a $100 Visa Gift Card it costs you about $101.50, because of processing fees. Just save yourself the $1.50 and give me a 100 dollar bill.

Cash Control

What kind of asshole wants to control where I spend my cash?

"I just want to make sure you buy something fun with it, like a movie, or video game."

Something fun! Yah, cause I want to spend my money on something fun and trivial, instead of spending it on something important, like gas to get to work, or rent.

It's so bizarre. Your parents are the same people that tell you to save money, and only spend money on necessities all year, but then when it comes to a time (Christmas) where they can actually give you money without you feeling guilty about taking it, they give you these shit cards and tell you to, "Go get something fun."

Tips

I never know what to do about the tip situation when it comes to using gift cards at restaurants. I recently used a $25 gift card and my total bill was a little under $20. Now, what am I suppose to do? I am a good tipper, but leaving the rest of the card, $5, is too much, and leaving the my normal 20% will be around $4, but that means I will only have $1 left on my card. I don't want a gift card with only one dollar on it. Plus, if I don't leave the rest, this bartender is going to think I am a cheap bastard. Not too mention, the next time I come in, I am going to piss off another employee, by making her run a $1 gift card.

You're Cheap

You can't use these cards on dates because they make you look cheap.

Yes, I also believe this makes you look cheap, but why? If you hand the waiter a card that only works at that particular restaurant (gift card) you are cheap, but if you hand them another piece of plastic, that looks basically the same in every way, but is accepted every where (credit card), you are not thought of as cheap.

Maybe it's because we think you earned the money on your credit card, and your gift card was given to you, so it was free. If this was given to you by your family, then this is not true. You have definitely earned that gift card. You have had to put up with their shit for an entire year and all you got was a $50 card to the Outback. Sounds to me like you earned every fucking cent of that card, and even more so, it sounds like you got vastly underpaid.

Wasted Funds

How many times have you not used your total balance on your gift card; by either losing it, forgetting about it, or having the funds expire?

According to THIS FUCKING STORY over $5 billion in gift card cash will go unspent this year. $5 billion! That's billion, with a fucking B!

How is this not considered a scam? It's a product that the American people buy which they're losing $5 billion on a year. Fuck these plastic perversions. (That didn't really make sense, I just liked the alliteration.)

They're More Personal

"Getting someone a gift card means you actually had to do go out and get a gift."

I don't give a shit if all you had to do was pull dollar bills out of your wallet. I would be an asshole to expect you to go out, deal with holiday traffic and parking, and wait in long lines to get me something worse then cash. Please, don't torture yourself. Just open up your wallet and save time and anguish. I am not a massicist, and I do not wish to torture you.

What's My Balance

I recently moved and guess what? I found a bunch of gift cards hiding in a drawer. Since no companies write the remaining balance on them, and since I am not organized enough to keep track. I spent 25 minutes calling the tole free lines to check my balance on all the cards. On one company's cards I had to enter an 22 digit number. No card should have more digits than I have on my body. (digits = fingers + toes, bad joke)

Call To Action

Do not buy gift cards this year. Give the person cash in an envelope, and then print this blog entry out and put it in the envelope along with the card. Explain to the person that this is why you don't give gift cards.

Do not accept gift cards this year. If someone gives you a gift card tell them to fuck off. Throw the card on the ground and pull your pants down and defecate on it. Then throw it in their face.

Dealing with Dexter

Brad Ass — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 02:50:00 GMT

!SPOILER ALERT! IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED THE SEASON FINALE OF DEXTER, OR IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED ANY DEXTERS YET, BUT PLAN ON GETTING INTO THEM IN THE FUTURE, DO NOT CONTINUE. !SPOILER ALERT!

Game over. I just watched my Cardinals play one of the most embarrassing games in Monday Night Football history. They had a total of 7 fucking turnovers. SEVEN! That's a god damn touchdown, or normally it would be a touchdown but in this game, when the Cards did get in the endzone, they missed the extra point; resulting in only 6 points.

To say that I needed an escape from real-life sports depression was an understatement. I needed something to cheer me up. Then I remembered that I had the Dexter season finale on my laptop and I thought that that would do the trick. It was going great. Dexter finished off the Trinity Killer, he started to believe that having a Dark Passenger was not his destiny, and he was off to meet Rita and start his new life. I was now in a good mood and could go to bed happily, then... BANG!

Dexter gets a voicemail...

Rita missed the plane...

Crying baby on blood soaked floor...

Rita dead in the tub...

Dexter realizes he is not in control, and his Dark Passenger is not really a passenger but actually the driver. His destiny is set in stone...

OHHHH FUCK! Now how am I suppose to go to sleep? I don't know whether it was caused by my affinity for this show, or if it was just a combination of an awful Cards loss plus this season finale, but this was the closest I have ever came to shedding tears for a TV Show.

(I would admit it if I actually cried. I am not trying to sound manly by saying "almost cried." I will admit when I cry in movies and such. Documentaries usually get to me, such as Young at Heart and some HBO documentary on Babe Ruth. Did you know that after Babe died they displayed his open casket on top of home plate for two days? Over 200,000 people came to say goodbye.)

Anywhat! By now, most of you know that I don't like writing in paragraph form because I hate transitions, I like breaking my ideas up into categories because it makes for an easier read, and I love bolding words. So, according to what I just said, here are some reasons why the finale, and in particular, the last scene was so emotional.

Dexter

Like I said before, he seemed to have turned over a new leaf. Or more particularly, he now thought of his family first. He no longer saw them as an obstacle to his Dark hobby. He now loved them and thought of how his hobby would hurt them, instead of how they hurt it. And, right as he came to this conclusion, he lost the most important part of that family.

Rita

A lot of people I know where glad to see her go. They thought she was to whiny and hated that they had to watch Dexter go to therapy instead of see him slash people up. They wanted more action scenes. What these people don't realize is that the scenes with Rita and the family, where action scenes to Dexter.

When he was in those plastic lined rooms slashing up his victims he wasn't challenged. Killing was his nine to five job. He did it with no challenge at all. What he did have problems with was the every day normal-life activities, such as dealing with Rita. This is what vexed Dexter the most, and aren't action scenes the ones where the main characters are challenged the most?

Watching a serial killer kill is nothing special. Watching a serial killer raise a toddler is scary as fuck.

(It was also sad to see Rita go because she got hotter every season. Similar to the main chick in Curb Your Enthusiam, what's her name? I don't do research.)

The Bloody Baby - Harrison

Born in blood, just like his dad. Watching the baby in blood gave me a double impact of disgust. The first being, upset for the character in the TV show, and the second was for the baby actor playing Harrison.

I hate when there is a crying baby in a movie or TV show. My mind always goes to, 'What did they have to do to make that baby cry? Did they have to hurt him? Did they scare him? Is he going to have major psychological issues because of this when he grows up?"

Now, according to the show, Dexter became a killer because he witnessed his mom get slaughtered at a young age, and odds are that Dexter's kid is now going to fall to the same fate. If this is true, who is to say that the actor playing the baby won't succumb to the same awful destiny. I know it's far fetched, but how is a small little baby suppose to know the difference between fake and real blood. Just don't be surprised if in 20 years we hear about this kid having 37 or so dead bodies buried underneath his floor boards.

(One of the worst cases of making a baby actor cry and possible giving him unfixable issues is this music video for MGMT's song "Kids." CLICK HERE. I can't even make it past the crib scene. Poor kid. He is going to be fucked up")

All those things being said. It was time to change up the show. I can't wait to see what the shit is going to happen in season five. Now that Dexter has lost Rita; his conscience, will he go killer crazy, or will he stick to Harry's Code?

More Dexter Stuff

Listen to Actors

Enough of my bullshit. Watch Michael C. Hall, and John Lithgow discuss the finale. CLICK HERE

Why No Name Change?

Was anyone else annoyed that after they found out that Trinity killed 4 people instead of 3 per cycle that they didn't rename him. Something like, The Quad Killer, or anything along those lines?

Season 5 Possibilities

Here is a interview with executive producer, Sara Colleton. The finale and possible season 5 story lines are discussed. CLICK HERE

If you didn't read the interview here are a few highlights.

1. Dexter may have finished off the Trinity's last cycle. There was the kidnapped kid that Dexter saved. Then Rita in the tub. We're not sure if a mother jumped to her death, but if we learn in season 5 that there indeed was, then Dexter did finish off the cycle when he bludgeoned Trinity with the hammer.

2. They might make it so that a lot of time passes between this season and next season.

3. The interviewer asked if the Trinity Killer may make a comeback and speak to Dexter conscience like Dexter's dead father does. I love this idea. Let's get rid of the Code of Harry and go with the Trinity Code, or Code of Three, or whatever you want to call it. As long as Lithgow gets to come back. He killed it. Pun not intended.

Lithgow

At first I wasn't sure about Ligthgow as Dexter's nemesis for the season, but he quickly became one of the best TV villians of all time. Is that even a big list though? TV villians? I guess I only watch comedy on TV which is usually without vilians.

Why did we have to see his bare-ass twice in the first episode? Here is my theory.

Last year they had Jimmy Smits as the big guest star of the season. Jimmy Smits got famous on NYPD Blue in the 90s. Back then, NYPD Blue got a lot of press for being the first TV show to show full man ass. Smits let America look at his ass a few times on the cop drama.

So, my theory goes like this. The writers of Dexter had a guy that got famous for showing his butt on TV for a whole season of Dexter and never showed him even with his shirt off. So, as some weird writer joke, they gave us Lithgow's ass, twice in the season opener of the next season. Well played writers. well played.

Books

A lot of people don't even know that the TV show is based on a series of novels written by Jeff Lindsay. The best part about the books is that they are nothing like the TV show. It's almost like Dexter is in another universe, where some characters that got killed in the TV show are still alive, some characters know his secret, and other serial killers are waiting to be hunted. (I know this is true with the last three books. I didn't read the first one because someone told me that it was exactly the same as the first TV season.)

the books are...

Darkly Dreaming Dexter 2004

Dearly Devoted Dexter 2005

Dexter in the Dark 2007

Dexter by Design 2009

Dexter is Delicious (forthcoming)

I suggest reading them while the show is off the air. I tried reading Dexter by Design during this current TV season and it got a little bit confusing with all the different story lines going on at the same time.

Dexter in the Dark was the best read. It goes into some extreme detail regarding the origins of Dexter's Dark Passenger and it is not the same explanation as the TV series gives.

All that being said, you will not find yourself ever saying, "the books were better." This is one case where the writers of the show have surpassed that of the novelist. Although, Lindsay does a great job at describing the crime scenes down to every detail, it is impossible to compete with the imagery supplied by that of the show.

Dexmas Gifts

What's better to stuff the stockings with than serial killer paraphernalia? Check out these Dexter gifts. CLICK HERE

There's actually some weird shit on there. Who would want Dexter Jewerely?

A Masuka Bobblehead on the other hand is straight up Brad Ass

Whack Ass Weekend 12-15-09

Brad Ass — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 01:39:00 GMT

Link of the Weekend

Mr. Skin's Top Ten Nude Scenes of 2009. CLICK HERE

I can't believe that I have only seen three of these scenes. 3 out of 10 is an awful ratio. Even worse if you do the booby math; 6 out of 20 boobies. Actually, 3 out of 10 and 6 out of 20 is the same fucking ratio. But saying that I missed 14 boobs sounds a lot shittier than saying I missed 7 pairs of tits for some reason. Oh well, guess I got some NetFlixing to do.

Season Finale of the Week

Dexter. Good fucking god, talk about a gut punch so hard that it makes your balls blow out your scrodum.

I was going to write more about this now, but I am going to re-watch the episode and do a full brad ass entry on it.

Commercial 411 of the Week

After a good 3 months of getting pounded by these new Levi, "Go Forth," advertisements I decided to finally figure out what the fuck is going on.

You know the ones I am talking about. The black and white, scratchy looking commercials with fireworks, and an old man's voice and subtitles. They make you want to move to the Ninth Ward in New Orleans with all your friends, wear nothing but denim, and shoot roman candles at each other all day long.

these ones

Anywhat, I found out that the poems are written by Walt Whitman, something I would have probably known if I enjoyed any other poetry besides my own.

Just a reminder of my awesome poetry....

Stubs
Stubs
I have Stubs
Have no fingers
Can't wear gloves.

Suck on that shit Whitman.

Moving on, according to THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE the first commercial is supposedly Whitman's voice on an old wax record and the second commercial, "Oh Pioneers," is an actor doing a Whitman.

I can't hear the word, Pioneers, with out thinking of these advertisements anymore.

Has anyone made a good spoof on these things yet? They should.

Music Video of the Week

Famed science fiction writer, Carl Sagan made a music video featuring Stephen Hawking (watch out T-Pain, Hawkins got skills.) What's really surprising is that this actually doesn't suck.

Tweets of the Week

mookiewilson86 Evangelist Oral Roberts has died, leaving behind his son, Anal, his daughter, Vaginal & his loving wife, Just Fuck My Ear Hole Roberts. RIP

DougBenson If the blue dudes in AVATAR are sexually frustrated, do they get beige balls?

michaelianblack Thinking about freshening up "plaid" by calling it "laser stripes."

shitmydadsays "I like See's candy. Put me in a See's store, I'm eating candy. The whole world is Tiger's See's store, and the candy is vagina."

natashaleggero when a guy asks you where you're from he means "when can we have sex?"

michaelianblack Back from the Hanukkah party. Had so much kugel I plotzed. Then I kvelled and schvitzed. Now I'm controlling the media.

shitmydadsays "Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants."

AdamJBonerman It's all fun and games till you can't remember which cup you roofied

Picture of the Week

Another classy picture of an American respecting a foreign country's historic landmark.