brad ass news
lots of typos, shit grammar, no research
lots of typos, shit grammar, no research
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Video: Masturbation
Not going to say anything here. I don't need to explain myself to you
TV Shopping Racism
The sales rep at a large electronics store was showing me around the television department and explaining the features of each. I wasn't really listening because I usually don't listen to sales reps, and just go with whatever product is the most pretty.
I also had a crazy amount of A.D.D. going on. An electronics store is not a good place for A.D.D. There is a lot of TVs, and music, and lights, and brights, and shiny things.
So, anywhat. While I was in my dream like state to find the prettiest television, one thing the rep said did get through to me...
"The blacks are blacker."
I thought to myself, "I wonder when he stopped talking about TVs, and started talking about Africa?"
After a few moments I realized he was still talking about TV, and that the higher quality televisions make the black colors, well... more black.
What kind of affirmative action is this?
I jokingly asked him to take me to the non-racist televisions. The televisions that choose to make all colors better, not just the blacks. I then commented on how televisions making only the blacks blacker is OK, but if there were televisions that made only the whites whiter, there would be problems. And, they better not stock those white televisions, unless they want Jesse Jackson up their assbutts.
Well, needless to say I was unable to buy a new TV because I was escorted by security out of the store, after my rant. It probably didn't help that the sales rep was black. Or, and most likely, I did not buy a new TV because I made all of this up.
Done
Double Rainbow Happiness
Every once in awhile the planets align perfectly, you hit every light green on the way to work, you take a shit without having to wipe, and YouTube gives us a gem.
The gem in this case is, The Double Rainbow video. Now, if you are not one of the 4.4 million people to already view this video, you are in for a treat.
Hopefully you watched the whole video where at the end he appeared to be crying/cumming while screaming "What does this mean!?"
Oh! but as like most YouTube gems, the greatness does not stop with that single video. I give you, the remixes.
Our second remix is Double Rainbow Guy featuring Kermit the Frog. This may be the happiest song of all time.
But, who is this Double Rainbow Guy? What does he look like? What's his story? What kind of combination of drugs was he on when he filmed this thing?
Well here is an interview with him. I could not answer all of those questions because I was unable to read it, as I couldn't get past the picture of him.
DOUBLE RAINBOW GUY INTERVIEW IF YOU DIDN'T CLICK ON THE WORD "INTERVIEW" EARLIER YOU TARD: CLICK HERE
I'm done here.
Headline of the Day 7-15-10
This is from Reuters.com , a very respectable news source.
iPhone 4 Commercial - Unedited
Guess which of these interviews didn't make the TV commercial.
iPhone 4 Video - The Deleted Scenes from Adam Scott
If the video above didn't work CLICK HERE
THE END
If the video above didn't work CLICK HERE
THE END
Doug Loves Movies; TV Pitch
I am an avid listener of Doug Benson's podcast Doug Loves Movies, and frankly I think this shit is needs to be a TV show. So, instead of trying to email him this, I am going to blog it and then tweet the link to him about 1,000 fucking times. A lot of you will be lost in what I am talking about here, because you have lives and don't listen to podcasts like me.
Dear Mr Benson,
I enjoy your stand-up, your movie Super High Me, and of course, your podcast. Obviously, you probably already assumed most of this, because you read the italicized section above, unless you are really high right now and just skipped down to the portion that started with, Dear Mr Benson. I wouldn't blame you.
Anywhat! I believe your podcast has the makings for a solid TV game show. It would, it could, it will be, this generations Remote Control.
If you are still not seeing it, let me break it down for you like this right here...
The Pitch, or at least how I think pitches might go.
Show opens to the Hard & Firm (spelling) theme song, with visuals ie, pictures/clips of you indeed not liking crying babies, gum, and all the other shit they list.
Cut to you, behind a podium, dressed retardedly like an old school usher. A flashlight will be disguised as your microphone. You say your patented, "Hiiiiiii everyboday," and then introduce the semi-famous contestants.
I thought about not having the contestants be famous comedians and what not, but I want to keep it more like your podcast and less like an actual game-show. The contestants will be sitting in movie theater chairs and their buzzers will be boxes of popcorn that they have to push down on.
You ask them what movies they've seen recently and bullshit about it for a few moments. All while giving and taking away points from them for no particular reason; similar to those dumb sports shows on ESPN. (A big key to this show is that points mean absolutely jack shit.) The same type of guests you currently have on the podcasts would be the best. Stand-ups and so on, people that are quick on their feet.
After they all talk about a movie they've seen recently, you start the game. Now, I think a good first round would be the TIVO description game that you play with Bald Bryan. I know your thinking that it's not your game, but It's cool though, we can bring him in as an executive producer, pay for hair plugs, or whatever.
Every time you introduce this portion of the show, it will be proceeded by a clip of someone in a TIVO Mascot costume doing something very disturbing. Such as, yelling at a fat guy on the couch, 'What! you don't like what I recorded for you! You get to go out all god damn day, and I am stuck in here trying to find you something you'll enjoy! I thought I would add a little class by recording Mad Men but all you want is a steady diet of SPIKE TV. I fucking quit." Then the TIVO smashes the TV over the guys head. Or you can just have the TIVO blow coke off of Ms. Piggy's tit.
When a contestant gets a question correct you give them however many points you feel necessary. You could make it so the winner is the first person to get to 420 if you'd like.
Once, the TIVO round is over you start the Lightning Round. The Lightning Round is just a few big flashes of light with no sound, and then you say, "Lightning Round Over... but you know what comes after the lightning round? The Thunder Round!" Play a bunch of loud thunder sounds. The Thunder round is where you introduce a quote from a famous movie and then have the contestants scream it. Whoever screams the line the best wins, however many points you want to give them.
I am also working on other segments similar to the Thunder Round, such as the Unphysical Challenge. In which the contestants have to not do anything.
Then you of course start the Leonard Maltin (once again, questionable spelling that could be checked with just a google search, which I am to lazy to do) round. Play it exactly like you would the podcast but maybe try and get Leonard to give the clues or maybe just the intro clip to the segment.
So, you get what I am going for here. Just really loosey goosey show. A few stand ups having a good time while competing in a non-important game, that players at home have fun laughing at while also playing along with. I think we could sell this to either, Comedy Central, G4, or the Independent Film Channel and then get picked up by the Game Show Network to play our reruns.
All I ask is to be listed as a Co-Creator with you and to be part of the writing team. Think about it, and get back to me at brad@bradassnews.com
Thanks.
Brad Ass
UPDATE: It only took one tweet to Doug to get him to respond, and he responded in about 10 minutes. He basically said, 'Thanks for your enthusiasm! If I do decide to pitch a show I think I am alright doing it on my own." I would have said the same thing if I was him. I wouldn't be to enthralled if I were him and read this thing that I farted out in 15 minutes and didn't even spell check or link to things. I also really need to figure out how to fucking make ME an actual important part of MY ideas.
Sports: Cold Weather Super Bowl
New York/New Jersey just got awarded the 2014 Super Bowl.
Here is my take...
So, we are throwing out weather as a factor with this New York pick, and we have also don't care if a city is not tourist friendly; Detroit a few years back and Indy in two years. If neither of these things matter than why not just due what every other Sports League does and give it to the team with the better record?
It may end up in a cold shitty place, but I guess we don't care anymore. Why not award the team that deserves home field advantage with home field? They earned the right to have it. Let's stop treating the Super Bowl like every other sport treats their all star games; awarded to cities that have new stadiums, tourist friendly, and haven't had it for a while.
The first Super Bowl in 1970 was held at a neutral field in part because it was right after the AFL and NFL merged. They wanted to make it even between, what at the time was two totally different leagues. The AFL is now the AFC and there is now no difference between the AFC and NFC. From 1939 to 1969 the NFL Championship game was hosted by one of the teams in the game, which it should be now. (Although, home-field was not determined by record, but switched confrences each year. The West had hosted odd years and East the even. Similar to what baseball did before the insane all-star game rule. I like this better than the current neutral field but not as much as best record.)
I know you probably think that this means the game would repetitively be played in the same cities over and over, but here is what the last decade would have looked like, based on Super Bowl Match-ups and records, respectively. (<- can we stop using "respectively," in this manner? It's pompous and bullshit.)
2010 - Indy
2009 - Pitt
2008 - NE
2007 - Chicago
2006 - Seattle
2005 - NE
2004 - NE
2003 - Tampa Bay
2002 - St Louis
2001 - Balt or NY (same record)
2000 - STL or Tenn (same record)
Other than NE it is not as repetitive as you would have thought.
It would also make the game more of a game and less of an event. Everyone who has been to a conference championship game and also a Super Bowl always says the conference game is more exciting. This is due to actual fans being able to go to the games, instead of the suits that bought ticket packages 2 years prior to the game.
Please, do not tell me that this wouldn't work because a team and city can not prepare for a Super Bowl with that little notice. They prepare for a conference championship game in a week, and there is two weeks between that game and the Super Bowl.
Also, do not tell me that home-field is too much of an advantage. If it is too much than they should play the entire playoffs on neutral fields. Why make exceptions for the championship game?
I love this Brad Ass Idea. I am extremely excited thinking about a Super Bowl in Lambeau, or watching snow balls fly in Foxboro, and seeing the Mile High Salute, in the most important yearly sporting event in the world.
It's so simple, yet it will never happen because of money. Eliminate the suits and eliminate the moolah.
Brad Ass Shout Out on CDR
I am a frequent listener of the Comedy Death Ray Podcast, hosted by Scott Aukerman. The podcast is an hour long comedic talk show, and has some of the best comedians as regular guests. You can listen to the likes of Sarah Silverman, Jon Hamm, Doug Benson, Patton Oswalt, Paul F. Tompkins, Nick Swardson, and so on, on the show. (I apologize if I spelled anyone's name wrong. I ain't got time to check this shit.) The guests either act as their normal everyday hilarious selves, or they sometimes play characters; kinda like when your old grandparents talked about listening to radio show on the talk box.
Anywhat, enough about the show this is about me.
The show recently asked listeners to make theme songs for their "Plugs" portion of the show. I was bored last weekend and decided to play around with my Apple Garage Band and pumped out a song in 10 minutes. To my surprise they chose my shit song and payed it on the podcast.
If you want to listen to host Scott Aukerman, and guest host Marc Maron play, and make fun of my song, download the March 21 podcast and go to the 1 hour and 12 minute mark.
Here is the link http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/comedy-death-ray-radio/id316045799
The only way this would have been better is if they played my song the week prior, because Weird Al was the guest. Having Weird Al listen to and comment on a comedic song that I made and performed would have been pretty amazing. It would be like Ron Jeremy giving play-by-play on my sexual performance.
That being said, I still enjoy the Marc Maron and he has his own podcast, WTF with Marc Maron which is usually the top or close to top for in regards to comedy podcasts downloaded.
Phrase Hazing
"The early bird gets the worm."
Great, whatever, good for you! You got up all early and shit, and are merely running on coffee caffeine fumes (a 5 Hour Energy if you're a douche), while I got a solid nights sleep. The 8 hours I put in from 10 to 7 are far more productive than your 8 to 5. Thus, my worm just made your worm it's bitch.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
Not in the case of Elegan Kagan; newly nominated Supreme Court Justice. Pretty sure all of the Beholders have came to the conclusion that she is indeed, not so beautiful.
Update: I have been trying to think of who she reminds me of, and I just discovered it. She looks like Bill Paxton's character, Chet in Weird Science. Right after the chick turns him into a green blob.
Also acceptable: She also Kinda looks like she could be Jabba The Hut's ginger sister, or "The Drunk Girl" character from Saturday Night Live a few years ago. Which, just like Chet, was played by a fat dude.
"There are plenty of fish in the sea."
Yes, but not all of them do a certain something. Let's just say that they are not all blowfish.
"There is no place like home."
Unless you're homeless, an abused child, or do not have WiFi.
"Girls are made out of, sugar and spice, and everything nice."
This could be true if; Sugar = an Egg, Spice = Jizz, and Everything Nice = Lots of Unprotected Sex.
"The grass is always greener on the other side."
But, there is still a good amount of dogshit.
"Shit happens."
And if it doesn't, consult a doctor.
"It's 5 O'clock somewhere."
Actually, no it is not. And, stop using overused phrases to mask your alcoholism. It is 9:17 in the morning. Just go get your Bloody Mary, and shut the fuck up.
"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."
Unless it is at their architect. An asshole that makes a house out of complete glass needs to get whacked in the side of the head with a fucking rock.
"Where there's no smoke, without fire."
Someone never had a vaporizer.
"A rolling stone gathers no moss."
Neither do stones bouncing off asshole architects' heads.
"All things must come to an end."
Nope, I will not end with this one. Fuck you for thinking I would do so. I'm not a 55 year old, cheesy ass writer for your local paper.
"It's not over til the fat lady sings."
I'll end with this one.