BRADASSNEWS.COM: Phrase Hazing

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Phrase Hazing

"The early bird gets the worm."

Great, whatever, good for you! You got up all early and shit, and are merely running on coffee caffeine fumes (a 5 Hour Energy if you're a douche), while I got a solid nights sleep. The 8 hours I put in from 10 to 7 are far more productive than your 8 to 5. Thus, my worm just made your worm it's bitch.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

Not in the case of Elegan Kagan; newly nominated Supreme Court Justice. Pretty sure all of the Beholders have came to the conclusion that she is indeed, not so beautiful.

elena kagan

Update: I have been trying to think of who she reminds me of, and I just discovered it. She looks like Bill Paxton's character, Chet in Weird Science. Right after the chick turns him into a green blob.

Also acceptable: She also Kinda looks like she could be Jabba The Hut's ginger sister, or "The Drunk Girl" character from Saturday Night Live a few years ago. Which, just like Chet, was played by a fat dude.

"There are plenty of fish in the sea."

Yes, but not all of them do a certain something. Let's just say that they are not all blowfish.

"There is no place like home."

Unless you're homeless, an abused child, or do not have WiFi.

"Girls are made out of, sugar and spice, and everything nice."

This could be true if; Sugar = an Egg, Spice = Jizz, and Everything Nice = Lots of Unprotected Sex.

"The grass is always greener on the other side."

But, there is still a good amount of dogshit.

"Shit happens."

And if it doesn't, consult a doctor.

"It's 5 O'clock somewhere."

Actually, no it is not. And, stop using overused phrases to mask your alcoholism. It is 9:17 in the morning. Just go get your Bloody Mary, and shut the fuck up.

"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

Unless it is at their architect. An asshole that makes a house out of complete glass needs to get whacked in the side of the head with a fucking rock.

"Where there's no smoke, without fire."

Someone never had a vaporizer.

"A rolling stone gathers no moss."

Neither do stones bouncing off asshole architects' heads.

"All things must come to an end."

Nope, I will not end with this one. Fuck you for thinking I would do so. I'm not a 55 year old, cheesy ass writer for your local paper.

"It's not over til the fat lady sings."

I'll end with this one.