Fuck You Gift Cards, Fuck You
I know a lot of people hate gift cards, and most of you have already heard someone rant about them, but I need to vent. Fuck these pieces of plastic bullshit ass crap.
Here is why they can suck Santa's sweaty jingle balls.
As Good as Money?
No, they sure as hell are not. Everyone accepts money, and only the place where you got me the gift card accepts it. You're controlling where I spend my so called, "as good as money" gift.
I know the argument for this are those Visa or Mastercard Gift Cards, that are like credit cards and are accepted almost everywhere. Well, you know why those suck? If you go and buy a $100 Visa Gift Card it costs you about $101.50, because of processing fees. Just save yourself the $1.50 and give me a 100 dollar bill.
Cash Control
What kind of asshole wants to control where I spend my cash?
"I just want to make sure you buy something fun with it, like a movie, or video game."
Something fun! Yah, cause I want to spend my money on something fun and trivial, instead of spending it on something important, like gas to get to work, or rent.
It's so bizarre. Your parents are the same people that tell you to save money, and only spend money on necessities all year, but then when it comes to a time (Christmas) where they can actually give you money without you feeling guilty about taking it, they give you these shit cards and tell you to, "Go get something fun."
Tips
I never know what to do about the tip situation when it comes to using gift cards at restaurants. I recently used a $25 gift card and my total bill was a little under $20. Now, what am I suppose to do? I am a good tipper, but leaving the rest of the card, $5, is too much, and leaving the my normal 20% will be around $4, but that means I will only have $1 left on my card. I don't want a gift card with only one dollar on it. Plus, if I don't leave the rest, this bartender is going to think I am a cheap bastard. Not too mention, the next time I come in, I am going to piss off another employee, by making her run a $1 gift card.
You're Cheap
You can't use these cards on dates because they make you look cheap.
Yes, I also believe this makes you look cheap, but why? If you hand the waiter a card that only works at that particular restaurant (gift card) you are cheap, but if you hand them another piece of plastic, that looks basically the same in every way, but is accepted every where (credit card), you are not thought of as cheap.
Maybe it's because we think you earned the money on your credit card, and your gift card was given to you, so it was free. If this was given to you by your family, then this is not true. You have definitely earned that gift card. You have had to put up with their shit for an entire year and all you got was a $50 card to the Outback. Sounds to me like you earned every fucking cent of that card, and even more so, it sounds like you got vastly underpaid.
Wasted Funds
How many times have you not used your total balance on your gift card; by either losing it, forgetting about it, or having the funds expire?
According to THIS FUCKING STORY over $5 billion in gift card cash will go unspent this year. $5 billion! That's billion, with a fucking B!
How is this not considered a scam? It's a product that the American people buy which they're losing $5 billion on a year. Fuck these plastic perversions. (That didn't really make sense, I just liked the alliteration.)
They're More Personal
"Getting someone a gift card means you actually had to do go out and get a gift."
I don't give a shit if all you had to do was pull dollar bills out of your wallet. I would be an asshole to expect you to go out, deal with holiday traffic and parking, and wait in long lines to get me something worse then cash. Please, don't torture yourself. Just open up your wallet and save time and anguish. I am not a massicist, and I do not wish to torture you.
What's My Balance
I recently moved and guess what? I found a bunch of gift cards hiding in a drawer. Since no companies write the remaining balance on them, and since I am not organized enough to keep track. I spent 25 minutes calling the tole free lines to check my balance on all the cards. On one company's cards I had to enter an 22 digit number. No card should have more digits than I have on my body. (digits = fingers + toes, bad joke)
Call To Action
Do not buy gift cards this year. Give the person cash in an envelope, and then print this blog entry out and put it in the envelope along with the card. Explain to the person that this is why you don't give gift cards.
Do not accept gift cards this year. If someone gives you a gift card tell them to fuck off. Throw the card on the ground and pull your pants down and defecate on it. Then throw it in their face.
Posted by Brad Ass at 12/22/2009 9:05 PM 
Categories: Whatever
Tags: cheap tips gift cards wasted funds
Categories: Whatever
Tags: cheap tips gift cards wasted funds
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