BRADASSNEWS.COM: The Grid-Iron Gals

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The Grid-Iron Gals

"Now, let's head down to the sidelines to hear from _____."

We hear this phrase at least 3 to 4 times a game, and yet, what do we know about these sideline reporters? Not much. They're always asking questions to helps us learn more about the game, but sometimes we find ourselves wanting to learn more about them.

Where do these Sideline Seductresses come from?

What's the background story on these Grid-Iron Gals?

Do any of these Football Femme Fatales have a naked internet video of themselves ironing their hair?

Well, most of us know the answer to that last question (yes), but let's see what other info I can scrounge up (or make-up).

Michelle Tafoya

Born: December 17, 1964

Job: Monday Night Football since 2006

Fact: In 2006, the Davie-Brown Index ranked Tafoya among the most likeable TV sports personalities, including “Biggest Trend-Setter.

Trend-setter huh? Because, I always hear the girls I hangout with ask, "Do I look hot in this? do you think Michelle Tafoya would wear it?"

Why I like her: You always feel safe with her. You're in good hands. She has been around forever and she knows her shit. Tafoya is not one of these new girls that got the job because they are good looking. You don't have to worry about her fucking up.

Suzy "The Broadway Killer" Kolber

Born: May 14, 1964

Fact: One of original anchors of ESPN2 when it launched in 1993.

More Fact: Was on her highschool football team.

Job: Sunday Night Football on ESPN from 2001 to 2005

More Job: been tag-teaming Monday Night Football with Tafoya, since 2006

And of course this:

Which led to: Namath going to rehab. You could say that Suzy Kolber's sex appeal led to Namath's sobriety. Or, and most likely: After Joe sobered up, the beer goggles came off and when he saw Kolber, he knew he had problems that only professionals could fix.

and also led to: This shitty website http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/

Why I like her: I don't really want to like her, but for some reason I do. Even when she does the X-Games and it seems like she is totally out of place, as if you're watching your mom talk about skateboarding, she still seems to pull it off. Maybe that's why I like her. She has a motherly quality.

Andrea Kremer

Born: Feb 25, 1959

Job: Sunday Night Football, also does shit for HBO Real Sports with Bry-"aint really black" Gumbel.

Accolades: “The best TV interviewer in the business of covering the NFL,” according to the Los Angeles Times.

Cool: "Among TV's best sports correspondents of either sex," claims TV Guide. She's a correspondent of either sex, that's hot. (insert stupid pothead laugh)

No Shit: Kremer has worked every Super Bowl since 1985.

Holly Rowe

Born: Top Secret (What this really means is, after I Googled, "Holly Rowe Birthday" nothing came up on the first page of results. I don't do second pages.)

Job: Whatever College Football game Erin Andrews doesn't feel like doing.

Accolades: Looks a little like the Chris Farley's Gap Character, from Saturday Night Live.

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Kill: someone has to die.

Why I like her: Ummmm... I don't really like her. It's not that I dislike her. I am indifferent about her. What I really like, is how the commentator she is always with, says in a deep raspy southern accent, "And now let's head down to Holly Ro..." I know her last name is only one syllable, but it's like he says it so fast that it's actually shorter than that. Which is technically impossible but go fuck yourself. You know what I mean.

Rachel "If I had" Nichols "For Every Time She Gave Me a Chub"

Born: October 18, 1973

Job: Sunday Night Football Countdown and Monday Night Football Countdown, both on ESPN. Techinically, she is not a sideline reporter, but I am going through a "redhead kick" lately, so I am willing to overlook this fact.

Accolades: She was named one of Esquire's "Women We Love" in 2005

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Fuck

Why I like her: See redhead comment above.

Erin "Ahhhhhh" Andrews

Born: May 4, 1978

Job: Joined ESPN in 2004 and now gets to do, the best college football game of the weekend.

Accolades: 2007, 2008 named by Playboy as America's Sexiest Sportscaster.

Charity: Gives out free boners to anyone that watches college football.

Other Shit: Was a member of the Florida Gators dance team, called The Dazzler's.

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Marry

Why I like her: She is perfect. Yes, she probably wouldn't have become this popular if she wasn't so fucking hot, but she is actually really good. She asks questions that I really want to know the answers to and you can tell she is really a fan. Plus, she confirmed my belief that all hot chicks get ready while naked, when she showed the world how she irons her hair in the buff while bouncing up-and-down all awesome like. Gotta love internet leaked videos.

Want More of EA: and have an hour to kill? Here is a podcast she did with Bill Simmons