BRADASSNEWS.COM: Shooting The Super Bowl Shat

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Shooting The Super Bowl Shat

We all know by now that my Cardinals lost the Super Bowl on Sunday. Since the game clock hit zero it seems that everyone I know has either called, texted, emailed or instant messaged me to talk about it. This didn't bother me at first but it is now hurting the healing process. It is making me relive the heartache over and over.

So if you are my friend, please refrain from contacting me to talk about it. Instead, just read the following dialogue. It is the same conversation I have had with the last 20 people and it would have been the same with you.

Here we go...

Friend: Hey Brad! Thought you guys had it when Fitz scored that last touchdown.

Me: Hey... friend that is calling me to soon right after my team lost the Super Bowl. I thought we had it too. When Fitz was running away from everyone I was making sounds that I have never heard myself make or even knew that I could make. I sounded like a hyperventilating asthmatic retard with tourettes. But, we just left too much time on the clock.

Friend- What a great game though. (When this was my mom she answered with, "Don't make fun of retards!" and I retorted, "Don't call them retards!" and then she said, "I never wanted to tell you this Brad... but you were retarded as a child." Okay so none of that happened. I can already tell this article is going to get weird)

Me: I am proud of our guys and how they mounted a comeback after that deflating interception return and after they went down 20-7. It was still a great season.

Friend: That interception was the most exciting play I have ever seen. What a game changer and what a run.

Me: (This is where I turn into a sore loser) Too bad the worst non-call of a "block in the back" happened on the thirty yard line. Hightower would have absolutely tackled Harrison if he didn't get slammed in the back.

Exhibit A:

The "block in the back" happens at the 17 second mark on the video below. If this conversation was via email or Instant Messenger I would send you the link, if by phone or text I would email you the link later.

Me: Too bad that the play happened right at the end of the half. I thought I was going to have to think about it until the third quarter but then good Ole Bruce Springsteen cheered me up with a crotch slide right into the camera.

Friend: That was hilarious. We rewound it and watched it 3 times.

I have yet to encounter anyone that did not watch the crotch slide at least 3 times. This act needs a name like all other great plays in football lore. Maybe "The Immaculate Crotch," or I think the best is simply a spoof on Madden and Clark's "The Catch," and we should name it "The Crotch."

Me: Well at least all that we saw was crotch. The people down in Tucson got full on wiener after Fitz scored that 64 yard TD. Right after he scored it switched to a porn channel by accident and a chick took off the guys pants. He stood up and shook it around and then it went right back to a slow-mo of Fitz running in for the score.

Click below to jump to a website so you can see what the good people in Tucson actually watched. WARNING... IF YOU WATCH IT YOU WILL SEE MAN-BITS AND NO SEXY LADY-BITS.

CLICK HERE

Freind: I thought I heard about that. That makes the whole Janet Jackson nipple slip thing seem stupid. What about the last play where it seemed that Warner threw a incomplete pass instead of a fumble like they refs called.

Me: Well thank you for bringing that up "friend." I thought it was a little sketchy that they didn't even review it. It was definitely questionable. I know that under two minutes in the half or game it is up to The Booth and not the coaches to call for a challenge. I know that the NFL said they reviewed it in the booth and said it was the right call but thats not The Booth's job. This is not college. The Booth simply decides if it needs a second look from the official on the ground. The booth doesn't make the call. I mean it is only for the God Damn Super Bowl. Cock-Chaos!!! I know that it might not get overruled and if it did we would only have a Hail Mary chance... but we have the best receiver in the league at "going up and getting it," so it is a legit chance. I watched him do it live 2 years ago against the Niners.

And then I start throwing things... heavy things... living things... and then dead things!!!

Friend: Are you there? Is everything OK?

Me: Gooooooooooooo AWAY!!! We Out Gained them by over 100 yards!!! Why did you eyeball Boldin the whole way Kurt... Whyyyyyyyy!!! (sounds of whimpering, then crying followed by howling)

I actually don't think it would have been overturned but it needed to be looked at. Analyst, such as Joe Buck have stated they thought it was an incomplete pass NOT a fumble. Thanks Joe!

Here is the clip of the questionable last play. I was able to find one without the creepy Kill Bill music, but I thought it fit perfectly. This music will be playing in my nightmares as I dream about this play.

In all seriousness I don't think the refs were that bad and I don't think we got screwed. I can't complain because I got to watch a meaningful Cardinal football game in February and that is more than I could have ever imagined.