BRADASSNEWS.COM
Iconic Death: It's All About Timing
To become a celebrity your timing has got to be perfect. You have to have the right look or the right sound at the right time. You may have all the talent in the world but if you don't have the luck of timing, all the skill in the world aint going to get you shit.
So, you must have perfect timing in life to get you to stardom but even more important then timing in life may be the timing of your death. Your demise will no doubt create buzz and increase your popularity but if you time it perfectly, you could launch your fame to icon status.
A celeb that died on time.
Kurt Cobain
Died at his peak: Always a plus. If you die when you're at the height of your popularity it increases the mystery and false hope of what more you could have done with all your talent. People will say that you were, "So talented and the best was still to come," causing the length of your talent to be endless. But, if you die after you peak then people will think, "It is sad that he died but his best years were behind him." I say "think" because people won't actually say it because they believe it will make them look insensitive but everyone will THINK it.
Outcome: Nirvana takes over in our minds as the ultimate grunge band. To us they became the ultimate band that summed up teenage angst in the early 90s. The number one band out of Seattle that changed what was considered Rock and Roll; from big hair and songs about excess to flannel and songs about rage and the unheard youth. But was that really true? Were they that good or did Kurt's perfectly timed death brainwash ourselves to think this way? Here is an excerpt from Chuck Klosterman's book Killing Yourself to Live.
What I seem to remember were the months prior to Kurt's suicide, and sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who does. And What I remember were people attacking Cobain at every turn. Everybody had purchased In Utero that fall, but not many people seemed to love it; the mainstream, man-on-the-street consensus was the Pearl Jam's Vs. was a little better. This is the biggest thing pop historians revise when talking about Nirvana: They never seem willing to admit that, by the spring of 1994, Pearl Jam was way more popular. It wasn't even that close. The week of it's release, Vs. sold more than 900,000 copies, a seven-day record that seemed unbreakable at the time. Pearl Jam was seen as the people's band; Nirvana was seen as the band that hated its own people. Nirvana dropped off the schedule for Lollapooza '94, and everyone blamed Kurt.Kurt Cobain's death was timed so perfectly that it helped Nirvana leapfrog Pearl Jam as the quintessential gods of grunge.
... and a celeb that needs a death mulligan
Michael Jackson
What was wrong with his timing: Michael Jackson died way too late, way past his prime. For the last 20 years he has been a punchline of jokes. He has slowly turned into a mutant and had mothers grabbing their children and running away in fear. Every time his name came up in the news it was never a good thing.
You can say that you choose to remember Michael Jackson for the good: for the music. But, if Michael Jackson would have died at the right time you would not have to make this comment, because none of the bad would have ever taken place.
(I don't want to turn this into a Michael Jackson hate piece but those of you who say you remember Michael Jackson for the good and not the bad are ridiculous. I am sorry but you can not take the good without the bad because it is the same man. I know this is an extreme but it is almost like someone saying, 'I choose to remember Hitler as a painter and not the god damn devil." And don't tell me he was a victim of fame or had a shitty childhood. A lot of people had this much fame and stayed sane. And a lot mass murders had shitty childhoods. Do you want to defend them and turn them into victims?)
When he should have gone: The perfectly timed death for Michael Jackson would have been that Pepsi commercial in 1984. Could you imagine if instead of getting minor burns on his head if he would have burned to death in front of an entire audience at the Shrine Auditorium? It would have been a thing of legendary proportions. The number one pop-star in the world literally, "going down in a blaze of glory." He would have also died while on stage performing, the only place were he seemed at home.
Yes, this would mean that he would have died before the release of the album, Bad but it would also mean that he died right after Thriller: by far is best album, commercially and critically. So, that means he would have died at the apex of his career.
Whack Ass Weekend 6-29-09
RIP Billy Mays of the Week
From Textfromlastnight.com (972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
To watch more classic Billy Mays Dubs CLICK HERE
It was a little strange how I learned about the death of Billy Mays. I was watching Baseball Tonight on ESPN and towards the end of a highlight I heard Jon Kruk say, "Billy Mays Died." Then everyone else shooshed him and when they switched from the highlight to the studio all the analysts were holding their fingers up and shooshing each other. Obviously, since this was a baseball show I thought that he said, "Willie Mays died." Since Willie Mays was my dad's favorite baseball player we were pretty distraught and then when we learned it was Billy Mays and we were kinda relieved. It's a strange and guilty feeling to be happy that a Billy died instead of a Willie.
Transformadable Reveiws of the Week
The new Transformers flick has already made $201.2 million since Wednesday. I have not seen it yet but I have seen the reviews and it is hard to believe that the movie will be more entertaining then reading some of these.
"If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination." Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times
"Transformers: The Revenge of The Fallen is beyond bad, it carves out its own category of godawfulness." Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
"...Revenge of the Fallen is more like listening to rocks in a clothes dryer for 2½ hours." Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune
"Only an asshole could have made this film." Rob Humanick, The House Next Door
"If you're going to send me a hero, I always say make it one with a built-in cup-holder, Michelins as hip-bling, and car doors for wings!" Mark Ramsey, MovieJuice!
"A perfectly dreadful sequel that's the filmic equivalent of a 150-minute waterboarding session." Matt Bronson, Creative Loafing
"If the robots in Revenge of the Fallen are so menacing, why can't they outrun Shia LaBeouf?" Christian Toto, What Would Christian Watch
Tweets of the Week
jimgaffigan Waterskiing looks like a form of torture. "Let's drag him behind the boat by a rope!"
DAG727 Billy mays found dead?!?! NOOOOOOOOO! Did he get confused between oxiclean and oxicotton?
SarahKSilverman Here's a fun tidbit: It actually takes more muscles to make your asshole frown than to make it smile.
Funny Pic of the Week
Monkey Fun of the Week
Some Michael Jackson Death Stuff
Goodbye to Mike, Hello to New Music?!
According to multiple sources Michael Jackson had secretly recorded approximately 100 songs that wouldn't be released until after his death. He wanted to keep them private and share them only with his children. New Michael Jackson Music, Yeah! but in a sad way. A sad, Yeah!
Best Tweets
SarahKSilverman Did you hear Michael Jackson's kids are free? That's not nice. I'm sorry. Ugh, I feel bad for saying that. LOOK A BLUE CAR!
kevinwildes Poor Blanket....as if the invention of the Snuggie didn't hurt enough. (Blanket is what he nicknamed his youngest son)
SchochNation the makers of hospital masks just took a big hit, their stocks is droppin like rocks
robcorddry I wish it had been Michael Jackson that broke the story of TMZ dying. I can almost hear the high-fives.
michaelianblack When they do MJ's autopsy, do you think they'll find Tinkerbell inside?
Biggest Losers
Anyone involved in the 50 upcoming London Concerts.
- The Fans
Whoever bought a ticket from a scalper is totally screwed. People shelled out thousands of dollars more than face value to see one of Michael's last shows. Now that he has passed away and there will be no shows, those people are up shits creek. There is no way that the scalpers are going to give them full refunds, and that's if they can actually find who they bought them from. There is going to be a lot of people that sold tickets on ebay and Craigslist that will be screening their phone calls. The only refund people will be getting is that of face value from AEG, the promoter.
- AEG
They already have payed Michael Jackson a $10 million advance and invested another $30 million in production cost. They may have insurance to cover this but if it comes out that Jackson died from a pre-existing condition or of an overdose then that may not matter and AEG could be picking up the bill for everything. If they got Jackson to sign a contract that stated he will return the $10 million advance if he didn't perform they are still screwed because he is in a huge amount of debt and already has a few multimillion dollar lawsuits against him. No matter what happens they will have to refund the income from the 750,000 tickets to the tune of $85 million.
A Link
ismichaeljacksonazombieyet.com
Youtube Classic
Things That Make Me Go, What the Fuck?
(could also be called, Examples of How I am Close Minded.)
No matter how many times I see, hear, taste or smell some certain things, I will never get use to them. For some reason they will always leave me bewildered, befuddled or befuckled.
Here are some of those surreal things...
A snow covered desert landscape.
A tall midget. You know the ones, they really just look like those six graders that had the ability to grow facial hair.
Sean Penn's jew-fro in, Carlito's Way.
The Arizona Cardinals are the reigning NFC Champs.
A Black guy with a British accent. For some reason I am not perplexed by a black chick with the same accent.
Not being able to smell my own farts.
Milk. (not the movie, the white liquid that comes from cow tit)
The gap inbetween my front two teeth that magically appeared one morning. Awesome!
Bottled water.
Tiger Woods with his hat off. Gods shouldn't have bald spots.
Albert Pujols.
The Washington Redskins. I am not a big "politically correct guy" but having a team named, Redskins, is pretty fucking racist.
The Kyoto Protocol.
Seeing dogs get hit by cars. I have seen this approximately five times. Makes me not want to get a dog. I fear I am bad luck, or maybe I just need to stop trying to run over dogs.
Black Eyed Perez
Boom Boom Ow!
So, I guess there was a little altercation after the Canadian version of the Grammys between Black eyed Pea member Will.I.Am and gossip blogger Perez Hilton. Supposedly there was a heated exchange and Hilton told Will.I.Am, "You're not a fucking artist... you're a fucking faggot." Then all hell broke loose and Perez got coldcocked a couple of times. Will.I.Am has said he never threw a punch and the police have said Will.I.Am (fuck I am getting sick of writing his name) is not a suspect. It appears that Will.I.Am's manager is probably the one that punched Hilton.
Alright, whatever I don't give a shit who punched who and whatnot. What does fascinate me is that Perez Hilton, an openly gay man (or at least I think he is, I don't think I am outing him), called a straight guy a "fucking faggot."
A couple of questions stem from this slander.
1. Faggot is probably the most vile word in the world for a gay man, so why would he use it to deride someone else? I guess it might be because he knows how much it hurts him, so he thinks it will hurt someone else just as much? I don't know!
2. Wouldn't this be like a black guy walking up to a white guy and calling him the n-word? Or any other race and their corresponding racist surname? It just doesn't make sense.
3. Would I be more angry if a gay man or a straight guy called me a faggot? I think I would have to go with the heterosexual guy because if the gay guy called me a faggot he might actually be complimenting me (see #4 for explanation.)
4. Maybe Hilton meant it as a compliment? He said, "You're not an artist... you're a faggot." Maybe what he was actually saying, "Not only are you an amazing artist... you're more than that, you my friend, are a faggot." Perez is saying that Will.I.Am is so artistic that he accepts Will.I.Am as one of his own. I know that it is a good thing if a black guy tells me, "you my n-word." So, maybe this was Hilton just telling Will.I.Am, "you my faggot?"
There is video of the whole hulabulu on TMZ but it is really fuzzy and not worth watching so I aint going to link to it or shit.
Whack Ass Weekend 6-20-09
What's New of the Week
My website is new you dumbass. I changed up templates. I feel this one is easier to read and I like the perdy colors. I do not like the grass. I was unable to figure out how to get rid of it so I simply changed my slogan from "Hello... you must be bored," to "Slightly more entertaining then watching the grass grow." I still don't like it but when life gives you shit make a shit sandwich.
Commercial of the Week
Who wants a Dickens Cider?
Whack Ass Question of the Week
Now that Phil Mickelson's wife has breast cancer can we no longer make fun of Phil's bitch tits?
Tweets of the Week
jchats Iran: An example of religion and state mixing freely without any problems.
robcorddry Rule number 3: While making love, always put your partner's needs ahead of yours. And also, never yell "My dick is a weapon!"
RobRiggle "I'm so horny for victory!" - A. Lincoln, original opening line in the Gettysburg Address. Eventually left out of later drafts....
michaelianblack Got a salad at McDonald's, which is like getting a handshake at a whorehouse.
Fact of the Week
While watching the College World Series I learned that they have now changed the name of a Suicide Squeez to a Safety Squeeze. They should have changed it from Suicide Squeeze to "A David Carradine." "Oh he is about to try a David Carradine!" You know I couldn't get through this without one Carradine joke.
Shitty Short Summaries of Movies Involving a Dad in Some Way or Whatever
You know... for Fathers Day.
Star Wars
A disfigured father gets pissed off at his son for having incesstual thoughts about his sister and not wanting to follow in his footsteps.
Finding Nemo
A fish loses his disfigured son. (One of his fins is little.)
The Man Without a Face
A troubled teen finds a father figure in a disfigured outcast.
The Lion King
A young lion princes' father is killed by his disfigured uncle.
Kids! Stop starring at his scar. It's not nice.
Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade
The son of an archaeologist finds himself in a train car with a roaring lion and tries to scare it off by using a whip. He cracks himself in the chin with the whip and it leaves him horribly disfigured. (Horribly disfigured, tiny scar on chin that women find sexy, whatever.)
Walk the Line
A father's eldest son gets in a horrible table saw accident which does not leave him disfigured, it leaves him dead. Father's youngest son becomes legendary country music star, but who gives a shit.
The Fugitive
A disfigured man kills a doctor's wife. Someone in the movie is most likely a father.
Back to The Future
A son with an Oedipus complex figures out it is better to go back in time and get with his mom while she is still hot. He time travels in a disfigured DeLorean. (Alright, that one was too much of a stretch. I will stop with the disfigurement theme.)
Field of Dreams
An Iowan farmer destroys a perfectly good crop of corn just to play catch with his dead father. (I want someone to make a movie that combines Children of the Corn with Field of Dreams. Dead baseball players battle psychotic, demon possessed children. Not sure who would win. The baseball players are more athletic and older but the children have a pretty good home field advantage.)
Over the Top
An arm wrestling trucker turns his hat backwards and then kidnaps his son from a life of luxury.
Big Fish
A big fat liar finally dies. Hey Dad! No one likes a fibber.
Taken
Father gets pissed off that his daughter lies to him yet he never shows any pleasure in the fact that she is still a virgin.
Interesting Facts From Embarassing Sources
Living with my sister I am sometimes forced to watch and read media that is not really classified as manly or cool. Examples being, daytime talk shows and trashy gossip magazines. And you know what? I will admit it. On occasion I enjoy some of this shit and find somethings interesting. Fuck it! I think Ellen Degeneres is fucking hilarious. It takes a strong man to admit that. Make fun of me if you please.
Anywhat, sometimes while taking in this entertainment I learn a few fun facts from these embarrassing sources. Here are a few.
The View
Francis Ford Coppola has never seen The Sopranos. The Godfather director actually said that he has never really been that interested in the mob.
Regis and Kelly
Simon Cowell plans on remaking Saturday Night Fever and wants Zac Efron to play the lead. I guess this is pissing off the fans of the original. They are all rolling over in their gay graves. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
People Magazine
David Bowie's son directed the new movie, Moon, starring Sam Rockwell. It is his directorial debut, but what I find really interesting is that he changed his name to Duncan Jones. It use to be Zowie Bowie. haha! Zowie Bowie is like Julia Gulia times ten.
Grey's Anatomy
When you go to a hospital make sure the doctor washes their hands first, because odds are they just got done having sex with another doctor or nurse in the break room.
It is possible to break your penis. (Do not look for images of this on the internet. I repeat, do not look for pictures of this on the internet. You ever put food coloring on a marshmallow and then put in the microwave for two minutes?)
Jon & Kate Plus 8
The 1980s show titled, Eight is Enough, was a fucking liar. Eight is way too fucking many, especially when you are married to a raging, controlling bitch.
Perez Hilton (by far most embarrassing, sister left it on the computer and I saw it)
The salaries of the worst role models in the world, "All you have to be is pretty and fake to make a lot of money and be happy. Don't learn a skill or anything like that. Just fuck your friends boyfriends and cause as much drama in your life as you can and you can get your own TV show."
This is how much they get paid per fucking episode. Worst show in the world, destroying the youth of America, and why am I writing about it. Fuck, I am embarrassed.
Lauren Conrad - $75,000
Heide Montag - $65,000
Spencer Pratt - $65,000
Audrina Patridge - $35,000
Whitney Port - $20,000
Brody Jenner - $10,000
Lauren Bosworth - $10,000
Stephanie Pratt - $8,000
David Letterman vs Sara Palin
Before I give you my opinion on this whole David Letterman, Sara Palin fiasco, here are a couple of videos to get you caught up.
In the Right Corner we have the ugh... Right
Matt Lauer asks Palin, "Why you tripping?"
Letterman Makes His Case and the Most Sense
And I Support Him
I really believe he did not know that the only daughter at the baseball game was the 14 year old one. And frankly if he did, I still don't care. The joke wasn't about statutory rape, it was a commentary on how the conservative, family value strong Sara Palin already had one daughter that had a child out of wedlock (which I don't have a problem with but conservatives such as Palin usually do.)
David also never uttered the word, "rape," ever! He said "knocked up," and I am sorry to inform you that those words are not interchangeable. When the Palins are about to pop in the DVD of the movie Knocked Up do you think they abbreviate it by calling it Rape instead. "Hey Todd, Willow, Trigger, Bristol, Levi, Piper, John-Boy, Marsha, Jan, Bobby and LaFonda, I am about to pop Rape into the DVD player. Who wants to watch? But don't invite that David Letterman character because I don't trust him around young girls."
Come on Fox News, how can you be calling out someone for only attacking one side of the political spectrum. And for you to say that there is no comedy in the joke about her trying to improve her slutty flight attendant look is like saying there is no humor in sharts. I gotta move on from Fox News otherwise I am just going to ramble obscenities. (Just an FYI, I don't enjoy Fox News' counterpart MSNBC either.)
David Letterman is a fucking comedian. He is going to say things that are controversial and at times he is going to set his sights on public figures. I don't know why we hold the hosts of late night programming to higher standards than regular stand ups. You think what David Letterman said was bad you should check out the comics on Comedy Central and HBO. We are ruining late night by restraining the hosts like this. David Letterman dumbs down and censors himself making his show so much less entertaining and funnier than it could be. Next time he is a guest on Howard Stern you should try and listen. On Stern, Letterman is the most vulgar, trash talking, and hilarious person in media. Howard Stern actually has to tell him to tone it down... he is too much for fucking Howard Stern! Now I am guessing Letterman dials it up a few notches because he is so happy to have a platform where he can overindulge. If I was David I might just say, "You know what, I played your game for over 20 years. I dumbed down my comedy so a majority of America would understand it and thus I would get more ratings. I have never thought as myself as a someone that rocks the boat but you knit pick and look for things and try to blow them out of proportion. That is why I am taking all my "fuck you money" and I am fucking leaving. You can watch my new unfiltered, intelligent show on HBO next year. Enjoy the puppet they get to replace me. Remember to vote Palin in 2012!"
Our President is a Ninja